hi. me again…it’s been a very long time since i’ve worked on my second book ‘waving red flags’ and i really need to get back to it…but i have been recovering from a breakdown/through… i’ve been moving long distance for the last four months in my tiny little car… had a tiny bout with some skin cancer which i am still recovering from… and i have decided to re enter the dating world… looking for love in all the right places… for the first fucking time in my life.
this question is usually asked by ignorant people… and i find that hilarious. because as we all know… most people don’t like questions being turned back on them. so for all you inquiring minds that want to know i am going to share why i am currently single… we could go all the way back to the beginning of my dating career which truthfully started in fifth grade. i had my first boyfriend. kevin was his name. he chased me and that was pretty much the beginning and end. and by chase i mean like i’d run away and he’d run after me…anyway.
i am single because i was broken. incredibly broken and believe me that is not something you want to admit to anyone. ever. beautifully… it is in the past…. damn that was a rough 53 years:) so moving forward because that’s what you want to do when you cherish life, when you see life as the fucking gift it is. complain about getting older ever in front of me and i will always say the same thing “not everyone your age gets to live that long” i have wrinkles and gray hair and lines and things that are not always that hot. sexy. or pretty…but, i have lived and i am so fucking grateful for that
ok..see my broken brain is getting distracted. i grew up as a ping pong ball between two women. and from the age of twelve on… i was used. not abused technically. as a way to piss the other one off. and these were the two women that were supposed to take care of me the most. and teach me how to have relationships instead of sabotage them…was i fed. yes. did i have a roof. yes. but i did not have a guide. a teacher. until i was much older… and instead of marrying a man like my father… i married these women twice.
i never felt worthy of love because when you don’t feel loved or important or taken care of you flail. you grasp. you try and find the ground beneath you and wonder if you’re going to be ok. i have been in love a few times. probably far less than you would imagine. i’ve had LOTS of relationships. not into one night stands or casual sex… my body is my fucking temple… i’ve been married twice. second one was a huge mistake and probably one of my only regrets in life as i try not to do things i will regret. makes sense. right? my kids dad…he was the love of my life. looking back…even now. the relationship i had right before was with a guy that i guess could’ve been that love… but i sabotaged the fuck out of that one. going back to the not feeling worthy of love.
my ex husband. the father of my children was the love of my life. this is so hard to say considering how volatile our relationship was. however, i don’t believe that that’s the end of that. i believe that the true love of my life is hands down myself… but the man i want to love with my heart and soul will be the love of my life… or at least the love that i allow to travel the rest of the way with me… that is what i want need and desire in my life… it’s my intention… unconditional love from not just myself but from another…
not looking for money or a sugar daddy. just looking for a kind, decent. funny. compassionate. empathetic. with killer abs kind of guy…lololol i am single because i choose to be single because the quality of men that i have been attracting the last however many years has not been so great. cheaters. liars. married. i am none of those things. one got me sick… nothing permanent but his wandering everything canceled a trip to Hawaii for me… and this is a grown ass lawyer with a daughter? cmon…
the last man i dated was in no way ready for any sort of long-lasting relationship. when you speak about your exes constantly you gotta wonder. this wasn’t my guy. mostly because well i just knew. i had to move my kids. manage my illness. and then i remembered why i was so bad at love and relationships… back to the ping pong game i was stuck in the middle of for 30 years. i wish it weren’t true. i am past the pain. i can speak about it now and if you need to know why i am single…this is why.
i wasn’t ready. i was broken. i did the work. i do the work. and i have zero interest in anyone that doesn’t do work. i know people. lots of people that are the same exact people they were 30 years ago. no evolution. no growth. saying the same ignorant, hurtful things because they are so stuck. they are so broken. i spend a lot of time in isolation. probably more than any of you realize. number one. MS. two. the pandemic. but not because i am afraid of covid. because i am afraid of people. not really but it’s a mad mad world out there and most people suck ass. and because if i get any kind of sick i am not sure who would take care of me… i actually haven’t been sick in over 2.5 years… i also haven’t been touched properly or much at all in the last two years. do you have any idea how hard that is especially for someone that thrives on touch and physical connection?
so back to why i am single. i have not met the love of my life yet. that is the damn truth of it all because i can’t believe the little punk from the south side of Chicago who gave me my babies was the love of my life. he’s kind of an ass to me…still. and he’s been married for ten years as well. i have loved other men. i have been in love. but as i stated above. i loved him the most… so far;) i don’t want to be single. i like men. i like having a best friend. a lover. a partner in crimes and misdemeanors. someone i can chase after so i will continue to rock this life i’ve been given. it’s been an amazing year…for me. painful yes… but you can’t grow through what you don’t go through.
and i have always chosen the path that makes me a better stronger more loveable human.
i am worthy. i am worth it. it’s hard growing up with so much yet not enough to let you be whole. for the first time in my life. i am whole. i do not feel broken anymore. i do not forgive. i won’t forget. but i will move forward with my greatest gifts. my legs. my heart. my lungs. my eyes. my brain. my children. all the pieces of me that make me work. i may be small…but i am mighty. and i wasn’t meant to be single…i was meant to be loved unconditionally…
but wait. why are you single?