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healing…

on june 2nd 2023 i was honored in front of 1000 people for my philanthropic efforts over the past seven years. and that weekend was probably one of the most epic weekends of my life…or at least in the top five. my children were in attendance. i broke the bank on dressing us and flo-rida handed me his mic as i got up on stage to dance with hollywood:) i was over the moon just fucking happy…to be acknowledged and honored was something i never ever dreamed of

12 days later on june 14th…i was sexually assaulted on my couch in my condo in santa monica. 

(if you want the details…read the previous blog and then return to this one:)

on the advice (which i will NEVER take again) from two people i know have my best interest at heart…i got on hinge…one last time…mostly i just fuck around on there because i am bored and i do a bit of research for my second book…sometimes i even sell my first one on these sites lolol…i don’t think you people realize how much time i spend alone. anyway. i met a man (no scratch that-he is the furthest thing from a man) i met a male…we grew up in the same place…knew lots of the same people…and we’re talking stellar people…his grandparents i believe were even at my wedding…anyway…regardless of all of that and how he interpreted it…i think he thought it was beshert (look it up it’s a yiddish term) i quickly got turned off by him and was not interested in pursuing any relationship with him other than friendship.

it was clear he wanted more…and he took it from me when i was in my most vulnerable unprotected unconscious state…and that couldn’t be more predatory or more vile…

i thank the patron goddess for taking my memory as it’s something i never wish to see again…and believe me it’s been hard removing that atrocious vision from my mind…PTSD…again…i know how to deal with this right? wrong….i cry. a lot. i scream. out loud. i scream at him. i scream at the people who abandoned me when i needed them the most. i run. i do yoga. i play the guitar. as these are the only things my MS brain can handle right now. i have a stack of bills. house repairs. an a/c unit that’s about to blow and it’s 111 out…appointments. a book to write and i cannot do anything but move my body and play the guitar.

if i don’t move my ms will take over and there is no doubt that if i let it i will not be walking. the trauma from this is so intense. so i do the things i have to even though all i want to do is shut down my brain so i don’t have to think about what that predator fuck did to me and took from me.

as i’ve tried to handle this legally so i don’t ever have this male near me again. ever. i’ve hit many roadblocks. rape is a felony. but. i have MS so i chose not to press charges and just file to get an OOP (order of protection) as i need to get better and i need to get better fast. and dragging this out will not serve me in any way shape or form…but keeping that mother fucker away from me will…

i am insanely grateful to those that have stepped up in ways i can’t even begin to recognize…but the first two are my children…i had no idea that i would have to tell them, nor did i ever want to…but as i was/am incredibly broken right now they needed to know why. probably the most difficult conversations i have ever had with them. they have gone above and beyond their duties as my children…and as i am their moms:) it’s my job still to make sure they are ok…and not the other way around. but as i grew up in an incredibly broken home…the three of us are navigating this together…and i am so grateful to my ex and his family as well…for loving them so hard. they are my babes. we are JB to the third power forever and ever. and there isn’t anything i wouldn’t do for them and now i know i taught them well…i became the mother to them that i never had….and they are the best and i love them so…and tbh i have never loved them more than i do right now for how they showed up for me…and are still showing up…

my medical team…Dr. Ni. Dr. Lieberman. Dr. Helmholdt have gone above and beyond caring for me…making sure i had all the tests i needed. following up. hugging me. checking in on me. and no. i did not come out unscathed…that tiny little mouse of a male gave me an infection…curable by antibiotics (strong mother fucking antibiotics) that i didn’t need. nor did i need to have 5 vials of blood drawn to make sure he didn’t give me anything else…

look. i get how hard this is to talk about. to hear. to know what to say…but i need to heal…i want to heal and i cannot do it alone…i want to move past this yet it is so hard…i’m going back to california on wednesday to a condo without a couch…and the new one is not scheduled to arrive until september. i had to get rid of it or i would’ve had to move…and i spent over a year moving into my place and making sure it was just like a home away from home. so i could be closer to my miracle worker and the weather that was more conducive to my illness…as i continue to kick the fuck out of that…i stand all day anyway…i guess i’ll live:)

i know you all forget. but i have an incurable illness. every goddamn day. and it is present every goddamn day. sometimes it’s easy…mostly it is…because i am persistent and consistent with my health and wellness. but sometimes it’s hard. like yesterday when i was in my office and my hearing and vision went out and i almost hit the ground…it’s 111 here…yet i have a condo by the beach that i was assaulted at without a couch…can you spell conundrum:)

what i really want to say after all of this roundabout vrtti (look it up…it’s a yoga word) is that i am so incredibly grateful to those people that have held me so to speak since this all happened. PTSD is a mother fucking bitch and this is my fourth time now dealing with it…so i know what i need to do…although this is incredibly invasive and personal…and the feelings and emotions i carry with me right now are incredibly challenging to deal with…for a normal person….then throw in the MS which exists and expresses itself in a mostly neurological way with me…not physical….more mental if that makes sense. 

so thank you…and my list is long. to the lady behind the counter at the santa monica courthouse telling me how to fill out the paperwork…to the woman that said congratulations when the temporary OOP was granted…to the sheriff’s office in beverly hills that told me i didn’t have to pay fees to serve because it was a violent crime (although that made me cry) to those that have held space for me. that have held me…that have let me talk and cry and scream and be angry over and over. the ones that haven’t questioned me…or my actions…i am not interested in having those people around me right now as my boundaries are super fucking strong and i did nothing wrong. nothing. i am 55 years old. i’ve been married twice. i’ve had multiple relationships and i know the fucking difference between consensual sex and assault. so if you are interested in doubting me or questioning me. or making me beg you for your friendship and love at probably the lowest point in my life. bye.

but i have a list…and i want to let you know that you people are my family in addition to my kids which against all odds turned out to be stellar humans…Jack. Jordy. Brian. Danny. My docs. My first ex. Lisa-my new neighbor…one of the very first ones i told. Perry. Scott. Kevin. Pam. Beri. Ann Marie. Linda. Craig. Jacob. Katee. Bobby. Mary. Rebekah. Zach. M. Lana. Sarah. Yancy. Nick. Joyce. Eric. L. Marlize. i’m sure i am forgetting some…but you have no idea how you all are helping me heal…and i so want to heal…there are no words or thanks i can give…just know that when you call…ask to see me…let me talk and cry…or just text a hey, how you doing? it means the world…i want to feel safe…and you are helping me feel safe and loved and protected…and to my guy friends…i have never been more grateful for the respect and care and love that has come from you to me…

i love you all

i leave for california in a few days and i am looking forward to getting out of the heat…back on my mat with the teachers and students i have fallen in love with…back to my beach (yes. my beach:) which i love…my friends…my guitar teacher…and court.

unfortunately. this predator is unlisted in california…my attorney friend in AZ has done extensive searching…even hired a PI…and as we were unable to locate a specific address the judge may throw it out as he couldn’t be served….but. let me just ask one thing “why does the system protect the predator and not the prey?” as he is unable to be served because he is a sneaky predatory fuck and i will feel unsafe until he is legally kept away…how is that fair? asking for a friend:) help me manifest the fuck out of what i need…which is to have a judge validate my fears and grant me the one thing that will at least allow the process of healing to move forward and not be stalled. i can’t be kept down. i can’t be kept quiet. and i will never let anyone take my power…

namaste

julie blew
july 9th 2023

PS. big win today though…i contacted hinge’s legal department and they took action right away…they took me on my word…i am so grateful for that…and if you know me…you know my word is as real and authentic and as truthful as it gets…satya bitches