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my hero…

this was written may 10th, 2023…i waited until the school year was over to post as i wanted my son gone from the building permanently before i blogged my peace…this is a blog. these are my thoughts and my feelings as a mother. period. read my shit at your own risk…

“There is a pretty horrible school shooter threat tomorrow. Admin has done nothing to mitigate it other than chalking it up as ‘copy and pasted’ from the internet. The person has yet to be identified, do I go in tomorrow?” this is the text i received from my son yesterday around noon. “fuck no.” i responded immediately and without hesitation. “call out in the morning and say you have food poisoning. it’s not worth it. you understand you run. you hide. you do not need to be a hero. fuck. do not go in.” 

at that moment my brain froze as it does when i experience trauma. thank you multiple sclerosis. no actually fuck you. and fuck you world and threats and social media and guns. take your fucking assault rifles and shove them up your dirty asses. you uneducated ignorant fucks. you’re the reason my son is in danger. my daughter too for that matter. what ensued after this initial text was two hours of making sure my son understood that no matter what happened he was not to try and be a hero and tears that i could not stop no matter how hard i tried…

i made him text me every few minutes. i wanted him to leave. i was in full-on PTSD mode until he let me know he was in his car and on his way home. the relief i felt was exponential. but there was still the fact that he has two more weeks left at his job.

why the fuck should my son have to risk his life to save the kids he works with because some asswipe mother fucker is planning on the “largest mass school shooting ever.” what in the actual fuck? and to be honest the most terrifying part of this is knowing my son is the hero type. no matter what he has promised me in the last 24 hours i have no doubt my insanely compassionate son would do everything in his power to save those around him. and for that reason and that reason alone i do not want him to go back at all. 

435 parents called their children out yesterday and as i sit here trying to remain calm (and i am a bit knowing my son is taking a personal day for his mom) i wonder in what universe would the administration not close the school? are you cool risking 900 lives? apparently you are. i am not willing to risk my son’s life and i would much rather be safe than sorry. i am appalled at the police and the school for not taking extra precautions and i am grateful my son will not be returning. even though he’s grown i do not want him anywhere near a school. 

my daughter is in vet school. and believe me i worry about her too.

both of my kids have been in multiple lockdowns, sheltered in place, and my daughter was in new zealand when the Christchurch massacre happened…they have always been ok…i am just going to chalk it up to our front row angels in the sky…they got the three of us…this i know.

i know most just walk around completely unaware until it happens to them. case in point. the highland park shooting…i grew up there. it lacks diversity and most of the people there reside inside a very safe bubble and there is nothing wrong with that, but i have witnessed very few of them take any sort of political stance until July 4th last year. it’s naive to think it can’t happen to you or that anyone or anywhere is safe. no one is. i saw a friend post recently how shocked she was on the crime in scottsdale. this shit does not discriminate. please wake the fuck up. please…it is happening to everyone everywhere all at once:) this problem is not going away. and how horrible for the kids of today to feel unsafe in school. what in the actual fuck. how are they supposed to feel safe. i feel unsafe everywhere. trust me when i enter an enclosed space (which is rare) i always locate the exit and i pay attention.

i have been on the phone with my ex, my son, my daughter for almost 24 hours now – minus sleep. reiterating that WE are taking this threat seriously. that we don’t want him to go. and that he is not to be a hero. i said leave that hero shit to me:) you really don’t know what unconditional love is until you have a child and even if that child is grown and has a beard you always want them safe and sound. unless you’re a shitty mom (don’t get me started) there isn’t anything i wouldn’t do for either one of my children. my daughter’s boyfriend too. he’s mine now as well. 

the world today is scary and dangerous and filled with people that do not respect human life. living with an illness that is exacerbated by stress makes me hide out the majority of time. but when my kids are involved my illness takes a back seat especially when their lives are threatened as “hoaxy” as it may seem to the police or the school administration. my son dying because he works in a school and is a fucking hero is not ok with me. i want him to live a very long time. he has so much compassion and kids have always always gravitated towards him. always…

and no matter how much he promises me he will run or break a window and jump from the second story and not save anyone. i do not believe him. i believe he would try and save everyone and be that hero. he is my hero. we need him more than some administration or police department that gives zero fucks about my son or the 900 others in that building. fuck you arizona. fuck the police. fuck you for not banning assault rifles and killing people daily. fuck you for not showing up when i was chased. i had to die for them to make an appearance. and they to this day of writing do not know nor seem to care who wrote and posted that threat. you would think there would be some consequences or concern in knowing who this individual is…or a zero tolerance policy…it’s more like do whatever the fuck you want no matter how illegal and get away with it…oh my g-d

i am mad. i am scared. my son’s life was so carelessly deemed not that important as the school is open today. why take a chance? why risk life? there will be no change until we make that change. my son told me yesterday he believes this generation will do something as they are the ones that have been most affected by this ridiculously cruel dangerous unsafe world. i hope he’s right. 

they may be 26 and 24 but they will always be my babies and i will always want them safe. and to the people that don’t take this shit seriously. YOU are part of the problem…and with all the love in my heart

fuck off:)

ps. over 500 kids were called out today and they still have not found the person that posted wherever he or she or they or them may reside…i mean does it fucking matter where they live???…basically this says it’s okay to threaten hundreds of lives because no one really cares and no one feels that is a investigative punishable offense…mind blown

namaste

julie blew
may 10, 2023