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no consent…means no… you stupid fuck

on wednesday june 14th i arrived at my beach house. i was super excited to get out of the heat. get back to the place that is slowly becoming my home…filled with people that care about me…that want to see me…that check in on me and where i am not stuck in my big ass home alone with zero neighbors and no one to hang out with and the weather is incredibly uncomfortable and after thirty summers and not wanting to die when i run i prefer the beach. i prefer the people. the drivers. the pedestrians. people are not mean here…they never stare at my uggs:) they are incredibly unkind and ignorant and cannot drive in phoenix. so rant over…it’s clear now to all that i prefer LA. 

what i do not prefer are men that just do not understand that no means no. what i am about to write may bring up stuff for some…may piss some off. and of course i may lose friends over being completely vulnerable authentic and honest. and i give zero fucks about what anyone thinks of me that i don’t love or that doesn’t love me back.

i unloaded my kitty and my car…unpacked and got ready to meet my photographer turned friend for a little happy hour in venice. we always do happy hour whenever i am in town.

hh started at a cute little place in venice called charcoal…katee knew everyone there and we ordered drinks. anyone who knows me knows i love tequila…and i always have the bartender make it special for me without sugar. and i jokingly always say, “a little extra tequila” i think he asked if i wanted a double and i said sure. we ordered a little food and began catching up. this man i went out with twice back in the spring called while i was out and i let it go and texted him telling him i was out and would reach out later…

katee and i finish our little playdate and here is where the fun begins. 

i arrive home around 8pm

i do not remember paying for dinner. i do not remember getting in uber. unlocking my gate or the door to my condo. i vaguely remember katee calling to see if i got home okay. and my children informed me the next day i called them each multiple times that evening…i do not remember any of this. 

at this point I guess the man calls and asks if he can stop by to say hi…i must’ve said yes? as he showed up minutes later. i do not remember. i remember nothing except falling onto my back once i sat on the couch with a very vague memory of him on top of me seeming to be penetrating me. 

my next memory is me in the bathroom vomiting and him holding my hair back 

i was asleep by 9:49 according to my apple watch

when i woke up the next morning after multiple trips during the night to the bathroom to vomit and dry heave bile as there was very little in there to begin with – i was still violently ill most likely because i didn’t eat much…bartender gave me another double (as he assumed that’s what i wanted) and i was raped on my couch in a virtually unconscious state in the place i have felt incredibly safe in. 

i was never interested in this man. we met in february on hinge. went on one date. i wanted to cancel as i guess i knew he was bad. chose not to. had a decent time. and then i left CA. he was still living in denver at the time. phew…anyway. i came back to town to lead a charity yoga event the end of march. he showed up with flowers and a card even though i asked him to respect me as the instructor etc. he did not. next day. came over we went for a walk. 

second date beginning of april. first he took me to meet his parents? i mean wtf. two dates? turned out his grandparents and my grandparents lived in the same building in chicago and were friends. his parents were nice. but, i mean a bit too soon. we went to yoga. i was repulsed by his body as he took off his clothes in class. like insanely turned off. not to mention he was singing out loud in class. disrupting everyone. we went to dinner. then i dropped him back off at his mommy’s and he kissed me. i did not like kissing him or pretty much anything about him and decided i wasn’t going to reach out again

a couple weeks later he informs me he’s moving to LA. ummm. ok. my daughter actually took my phone to respond as i really had nothing to say and texted him saying “cool” i was trying to ghost him lolol

i still chose not to interact with him. we weren’t communicating other than he sent me a random text when he was in chicago of my grandparents building. i responded. because that’s just what i fucking do. 

two days before i left for california this last time i saw that he posted on FB his stepdad died. me being me sent him a text sending my condolences and then he calls. so of course i talk to him

flash forward to “the night that changed my life”

he calls while i am out to dinner with katee. i don’t answer and respond with a text saying i’ll get back to him. i guess he texts me or calls as i have no recollection asking if he can come over. i must’ve said yes.

i was home by 8…i was asleep by 9:49 and got raped and violently ill in between…in the morning as i lay in bed sick af i have a weird memory of him having sex with me. it was seconds because then i remember he held my hair back while i was vomiting. i think i thanked him for holding my hair and apologized for vomiting and asked him to lock my door on the way out.

he texted me in the morning asking me if i was okay and i responded that i was not okay. i was incredibly sick etc. then after about two and a half hours of laying in bed and seeing this horrendous vision of him on top of me and praying to whoever that what i was seeing in my head was just my imagination…hoping to g-d it was just my imagination… i decide to reach out and ask if we had sex because in no universe did i want that from him or with him but i thought i remembered him on top of me. when i asked he responded “yes. kinda” and then asked if he could call me. i said yes.

when i answered he asked how i was feeling and i said horrible. and then when i asked him about the sex, he goes “well there was penetration” and then he goes on to say i know why you drank so much. you are trying to run away from the pain of “blah blah blah” don’t you dare try and justify in your own sick alcoholic brain that what you did was okay

IN WHAT FUCKING UNIVERSE DO YOU THINK IT IS OKAY TO TAKE OFF A BEYOND INEBRIATED WOMAN’S PANTS AND STICK YOUR DICK IN HER. THAT’S RAPE YOU MOTHER FUCKER. I NEVER SAID YES. I HAVE TOLD MULTIPLE PEOPLE FOR MONTHS HOW NOT ONLY AM I NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU I AM COMPLETELY TURNED OFF BY YOU. I HAVEN’T CALLED YOU OR ASKED TO SEE YOU. I FELT BAD AND SO I REACHED OUT ABOUT YOUR DAD. AND ONLY THOUGHT YOU WERE COMING HERE AS A FRIEND. I DIDN’T SAY YES. I DIDN’T GIVE CONSENT. YOU RAPED A VERY DRUNK WOMAN. HOW DARE YOU? YOU HAVE THREE DAUGHTERS. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU THEN TOLD ME THAT YOU KNEW WHY I DRANK SO MUCH…AVOIDING MY PAIN. NO YOU TINY DICK FUCK OF A MAN. I RUN TO DEAL WITH MY PAIN. I GET ON MY MAT. I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC. BUT YOU ARE. AND YOU TRYING TO TURN THIS ON ME…FUCK YOURSELF…YOU CLEARLY KNEW I WAS INEBRIATED AND YOU TOOK SICK ADVANTAGE OF ME. I WILL NOT PRESS CHARGES. YOU ARE NOT WORTH MY TIME OR ANYONE’S. AND I HOPE YOUR FAMILY FINDS OUT TOO. BUT I AM FILING AN ORDER OF PROTECTION. AND I AM NOT KEEPING QUIET. I PROMISE YOU THIS. KARMA IS A MOTHER FUCKING BITCH AND YOU WILL GET YOURS. I HAVE A GODDAMN CHRONIC IMMUNE ILLNESS AND WE NEVER EVER DISCUSSED SEX. THE ONLY THING I SAID TO YOU WAS I DON’T SLEEP WITH ANYONE UNLESS WE’VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 2-3 MONTHS. DID YOU GIVE ME A DISEASE MY BODY WON’T BE ABLE TO FIGHT OFF? I AM SO GRATEFUL MY MEMORY OF THIS IS ONLY SECONDS. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. AND IF ANYONE SEES THIS DICK FUCK PLEASE PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE AND THEN STOMP ON HIS TINY DICK. I AM NOT OKAY. AND YOU ARE A RAPIST.

so now the question is…how do i move forward? i am not interested in going in front of a bunch of men and hearing them tell me i did something wrong. ha. fuck you. i did nothing wrong. i was out with my girlfriend and mistakenly had two doubles. i weigh 100 pounds. i didn’t eat breakfast. i can’t even fucking remember. i can handle two drinks max. i had four. i couldn’t stand. i think what happened as i piece the details together. my wet carpet and my missing anklet. i believe i let him in the front door. sat down on the couch, fell over and spilled my water all over the rug because when i woke up in the morning and saw my head indention in the pillow on the couch i knew that what i prayed to the fucking universe didn’t happen did. he then pulled off my sweatpants and raped me. the only thing that saved me from him finishing inside me was me getting violently ill and running to the bathroom. i still have my underwear in a ziplock just in case this sick fuck ever comes near me again. 

i am physically okay. thank g-d. at least as far as i know. i have yet to see the dr. a handful of my girlfriends and guy friends know and they are keeping me feeling loved and safe. 

what this man did to me is not okay. he’s a predator. and you should all be wary. i did not want to share this publicly but as i am choosing not to press charges and just filing an order of protection i need the world to know. at least my world. the ones that love me and the ones i love. i am not okay. this is going to take time. so please keep me in your hearts and keep me safe.

ps…just so we are all on the same page. and your impressions of me or opinions based on who i may or may not have been in my past or from stupid social media pictures are not clouding your judgement (which you have no business having anyway:) i stopped dating completely in march of 2021…i realized i was attracting the wrong men. so i took a big long break and did lots of hard soul searching and personal growth work so i never attract the wrong men again. i’ve never had a friend with benefits. i am not into one night stands. and i am incredibly faithful. i love myself and know my worth which i really didn’t up until last year. i have an auto immune illness so sleeping with men takes time and discussions. i have only been with one man in this time and that was last year and it was 100 percent consensual. i don’t date much. i don’t need dinners:) what i want is a partner in all senses of the word…i knew from almost the instant i met this man that something was off…incredibly off obviously…i don’t want him to hurt anyone else. and girls women ladies…if your stomach and head are screaming no. walk the fuck away…you are worth so much more than tiny dick fuck rapist men….and no…you did nothing wrong……………………………

i am happy to share his name with anyone that reaches out…i do not want him to do this to anyone else

namaste

julie blew
june 20th, 2023