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one year…

hi. i wasn’t planning on blogging. in fact i’ve been planning this day for a while now. my anniversary…blogging never entered my mind…but you know i’m a writer and when shit starts spinning…i start writing. anyway. no. it’s not my 30 year wedding anniversary to my college sweetheart (although that is literally around the corner) and no it’s not the anniversary of my sobriety…i am not sober…and i am not an addict. what i am is a survivor of sexual assault. and today…on my anniversary i choose to become a survivor and no longer a victim. how do you handle an anniversary of something you literally just want to forget? an anniversary that literally destroyed me…a night…that a year ago took me to the darkest depths of my soul. 

i lost myself that night. he took something i can never get back. my heart is broken…my mind is broken…and i have spent the year spinning…going from selling a home to moving to hawaii to not moving to hawaii to downsizing in az to getting manhandled and mistreated again during the sale and subsequent purchase of my homes in az… and the one place that felt safe to me no longer feels that way…it hasn’t for a year…my little beach house…

i have tried to stay and live in the place where i was assaulted and i cannot…and what really sucks is that i spent a year moving in…making sure my little condo by the beach had everything i needed to just get in my car and drive with nothing but my kitty and my purse…six months i got to enjoy it after getting it fully furnished, etc. and then i have spent the last year trying to figure out how i am supposed to reside inside the place where i was assaulted? i can’t…i won’t…and i am so fucking angry right now…it’s my angry era:) and i have every fucking right to be angry… this weasel fuck took me because he couldn’t have me…and now i wonder if he’s walking around living large thinking that what he did to me was okay or warranted and i hate thinking about him at all…i still look for him everywhere i go in california…knowing that if i see him i will call the cops or scream rape from the rooftops…he had no goddamn right. invitation. or even a suggestion…he repulsed me…and i am still struggling….

i’ve given up relationships in the past year because i am astounded at not only the ignorance that comes out of people’s mouths…but the multiple people that have the audacity to ask about him? ummm what in the actual fuck? this isn’t a guy i broke up with…this is a weasel that horrifically and violently and heinously harmed me and you want to know “what’s going on with that?” you’re an idiot…that’s what’s going on…to the friends that ask me to stop talking about it…fuck you…have you ever had anyone stick their dick inside you when you were unconscious? no…then please shut the fuck up with your “i get it’s and i understands” you don’t….clearly…mostly you don’t understand what it’s like to be a compassionate loving friend…and i need that right now more than ever…fuck i’ve needed it since my mother decided mothering was an option…i have been hurt by so many people over the years…and i am done being hurt by the people that are supposed to love me…done. done and extra done….

i am fortunate though as i have found that there are many people that do care about my well being…a fact that i did not realize until this happened and for the first time in my life (including my life altering diagnosis eight years ago) that i have asked for help…i was looking for love and friendship in all the wrong places and with all the wrong people and even though i wish this mother fucking weasel would get ass raped in jail and die…i am not sorry at all…and if you know me you know i always say what i mean… i don’t just talk about shit…i do the shit….i practice what i preach…i always go to the lesson…although wtf could this lesson be????? i knew he was bad news…i felt it…i called him out on it…and then i never saw him again…until….but i didn’t even see him then…not really

the body is an amazing thing…it knows…my body rejects anyone or anything that makes me feel unsafe, unloved, and uncared for…so if i talk to you or reach out to you or reach back (that’s hard for me right now) know you are someone i love and need and want and desire in my life…when you get hurt like i did, at my age, with my illness, it’s rough…i know i’m tough and can handle a lot but this took me down…and it has caused everything that has come after to be just a little bit harder…

i am now residing mostly in arizona as i have an incredibly hard time staying in my condo and now i have to move my shit back across the I-10 in my tiny little car giving up my medical home that i needed not only to see the doctor every month but to also get out of this insane heat that can really devastate someone like me with ms….it’s hot…i don’t have a pool…i’m exhausted every day…and can’t venture out much right now….it’s hard…and now i have to deal with selling and moving….yes. i will probably make a little money…woo…go me…i’m a real estate queen, you should all know that by now…and find a different way to spend time out of the heat…remember though none of anything matters without your health…mental or physical…

one year…the hardest goddamn year of my life….literally…and unfortunately this is something that never ever goes away…there will always be triggers…i’ve turned down dates because they look like my assailant…i mean….this has impacted every mother fucking crevice and crack of my mind. my body. and my spirit…i have barely dated in over three years anyway and am very careful about who i go out with…i’ve gone out with three men on the west coast (well none of them were really men) two ghosted me and one raped me….so thank you to the males of california i have dated you are definitely not top notch quality humans…ghosting is immature…rape is a felony…fun times by the beach…

but…i do want to acknowledge my men friends in LA AZ and IL…they are some of my closest and keep me safe…you would never hurt me…and i am grateful for all the love and support you’ve given me this past year:)

i do have things to look forward to…and i am trying to reside there…in that space…with the friends and people i know love and adore me and want nothing but healing health and happiness for me…the rest of you…with the utmost love…fuck off…there is no place in my life anymore for anyone that has caused me pain and continues to do so…and i have people that are like barnacles and can’t leave me alone and not in a good way…stop…i don’t like you…i don’t like the way you’ve hurt me or the things you’ve said…please just go away

as i’ve lived the last eight years alone and with an asshole of an illness what happened to me a year ago leveled me…i am coming up for air and getting out with people i love and trust… and i am super excited that i am going to be teaching yoga again…thank you black swan and kjoy for giving me a class and a place to feel safe. loved. and adored…warmest fucking welcome ever…you should all check out black swan yoga….btw

i will get through my angry era…it’s taking time…and it takes a lot of unconditional love from my people…but i feel it…i deserve it…and i am worth it…as for the rest of you…again, it’s not you (although it is:) it’s me…i will always own my actions…my decisions…my choices…i choose to not let this weasel dick with three daughters from the north shore of chicago dim my light anymore…karma is a mother fucker and i may not get my “jail wish” but karma will get him…i promise

and to anyone that knows him and me and still talks to him…fuck you. you are a horrible human. kids…do not normalize or accept “friends or family” supporting someone that hurt you…not okay…not your people

remember…this is a blog…these are the thoughts in my head and you are choosing to read them…it’s like reading my diary…and i don’t make it easy for you to find my blogs:) i was hurt…i am still hurt…but i am strong…i will be okay…i am okay…i just need to rest…i need to be taken care of…i’m tired and hot (yes. both kinds of hot:) 

this is hard…all of it…thanks for coming to my ted talks

namaste
julie blew
6.14.24