a hui hou…
it’s been 53 days.
and my dad strikes again….when you experience trauma like i have your emotions are not in your control. throw in the ms which exists mostly in my brain and yes. i’m a hot fucking mess. rightfully so…and i will take the time and space i need to heal with those that have my back. i do not feel safe. i do not trust…even those i know…because i knew him too:/
however. my healing has taken me to a place i’m not super thrilled about but i know is necessary…i have let loose on my dead dad every time i got on my mat this last week. like screaming at him for leaving me. for not protecting me. for leaving me with two of the shittiest women role models ever. i mean…seriously? like out loud screaming so much so that my apple watch alerts me it’s too loud.
anyway. if you read my first memoir. yes. number two will be coming soon…you would know that at the end there was an addition or excerpt regarding my dad’s intervention in my badwater experience and i one hundred and fifty million percent believe that man heard my screams up in heaven or paradise or wherever he is. he believed in the afterlife so i believe that’s where he is…
he sent my older brother to me yesterday. we had a very long conversation about life and my happiness and my health and i know somehow someway my dad nudged him to call me…because it’s been almost two full months now that i haven’t been ok. not a single day. and the torrent of stuff i’ve been hurling at my dad…he hears me. he heard me.
i am leaving phoenix for good. i will keep my place in california because i have an illness and there still is no cure…and my miracle worker is there…but i am going to check out hawaii for a minute
those of you that know me well know it was always my plan to move there after my kids left home. but i got sick and it wasn’t on the table anymore. flash forward seven years…as it’s been seven years this month since my diagnosis…i am going to do this…if it doesn’t work out i move to california permanently or wherever else my little heart desires.
these last 53 days have taught me more about people than in my entire lifetime. i know who has my back. and when you’ve gone through something so invasive and painful you only want those around you that know you are tender to the touch. and at 55 with ms i do not have any time to fuck around
i have been living in gratitude. finding even the smallest thing/s everyday that i am grateful for. even through the pain. i love life. i am grateful for my life. and no. please do not say you only get what you can handle…that’s bullshit and crap. some people have more than others and whether it looks easy or not to you does not mean what someone is going through is easy. please hold your judgments until you can look at yourself…
i have had the summer from hell…but as i look to the gratitude. the small things. the texts or phone calls asking how i am…you are pulling me through
and to my men friends. i know you want to let loose and harm him…and for that i love you more than you know:)
i still believe karma is a bitch…
dad…thanks for allowing me to go off on you in a way i never have before. thank you for hearing me and for sending the help i begged you for my way…it wasn’t in the way i imagined…but i know it was you…
you all know i will rise up. i will heal. and i am also planning to enact change to a system that protects the attacker and not the victim. i am not okay with that….
stay tuned kids….
like a phoenix she rises
namaste
julie blew
august 7th, 2023
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