i’ve been hacked. i’ve been scammed. i’ve been in love. i’ve been ghosted. i’ve been chased. i’ve had four surgeries. stitches. cutting. numbing. i moved long distance in my tiny little car for a year getting set up. this year took me to my bottom. like literal rock bottom. i am not there anymore. but i promise you i was. it’s been by far the roughest most challenging year of my life. which is crazy because you would think the year i got hit with this mother fucking chronic asshole would’ve been the worst. not even close…
we can start with the four surgeries…none of which had anything to do with MS…but because of the restrictions and stitches and inability to move. sweat. or get anything wet. i was relegated to my couch for weeks. if you understand anything about me or my illness or have ever actually spoken with me you then know that the main secret to me beating the fuck out of this is constant movement and making my body strong AF and every surgery has set me back (the last one is today) …my mind is a motherfucking mess and if you’re a kind and compassionate human you’ve allowed me to open up and let me in without making me feel bad for all my broken parts.
i was. super broken. i was broken as a child. and it wasn’t until this year that i was really able to grasp the ramifications of how and why i became so broken. i have. i have dealt with them one by one…the pain…the vulnerability…and one day soon i will share all my broken stories with you that finally led me to discover the light that does reside within me.
my friends…the ones that really understand who i am and where i come from…have given me the time and the space to heal. i have done deep dark hard work. i’ve written about all of my broken relationships. even the ones i sabotaged as well. i will always and forever own my shit…my second book needs a “trigger warning” and that’s a direct quote from my editor:) because some of what i have been through is very dark…it takes a very strong person to actually sit in your shit and wade around in it until you finally feel whole and clean. and then share it with the world. imagine 54 years old…two grown kids. a lifetime of experiences. some epic. some not so epic. and now you feel ready. now you know how to love yourself and feel worthy.
and then life…
i use social media as a platform to raise money and awareness for a cure for multiple sclerosis. that is the beginning and the end of it. i used to share my yoga schedule. i still share my events. my kids are 23 and 26 and aren’t interested in birthday announcements on facebook. i always give love to those that may need it. that may be struggling. i’m glad you eat and travel and love and i am incredibly happy for you…truly…as i want everyone to win at life…however, i am more concerned about the people that are battling something so i take the time to check in with them because i know firsthand how that can make a struggling or broken person feel. otherwise, i find social media to be the devil.
forgetting the surgeries, oh and the flare that lasted a fucking month this summer…i want to talk about the hacking…because it is more than just someone taking over my social media and posting bitcoin stories and going through my personal dm’s to reach out to my nearest and dearest and ask them to help. of course they will…they care about me and have no idea at least initially that it’s not me. i have heard from over 15 people in the last two days asking about my clothing line. OK
number one. bitcoin
number two. clothing line (actually that’s how the fucker got me) thank you scott berger…he got hacked first, and he’s my close friend so of course i would support his clothing line because i didn’t take a minute to stop and think about that.
number three. NO CAPITAL LETTERS. i only write in lower case
number four. the mother fucking hacker invaded my privacy. stole my fundraising platform. now people don’t trust me. they are blocking and deleting me. i understand that. but. it is so upsetting because not only are my closest friends blocking me but i have lost access to all my warriors. my diagnosis stories. my galas. my events. i do not fucking do this for fun. i want to find a goddamn cure. you think that this is a good time for me? i promise you it’s not. but i’ve been very successful at my mission to raise money to cure MS. you don’t need to see what i had for dinner. or where i went on vacation. but, you should definitely give af if you know someone that is sick or not as fortunate as you. that is what i use this media platform for…i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again. i am a prostitute for research:) and in stealing my information…impersonating me and contacting my fucking children…i am appalled and defeated.
just when i was feeling unbroken
i am probably the most honest person you will ever meet. the most loyal. the most faithful. the most trustworthy. and when given the opportunity. the most loving. this has hurt me in ways i cannot express…but i’m just going to leave you with this…
i am an open book…you can ask me anything and if i can i will answer or help…that’s just who i fucking am…i have lived a lifetime feeling unworthy undeserving and unlovable (and you will have to read book number two to get all the deets:) i don’t feel that way anymore. so if i reach out to you and ask you to follow me believe me that is so hard to do. i can’t find a cure alone. and some asswipe dickfuck stole my platform that took me almost seven years to build.
fuck you twenty-two
time for twenty-three
december 5th, 2022