Blog

my blog (wtf)

how did i get here? no seriously…

ok so here goes everything…i am not a writer…i hate capital letters…and i never wanted to be a yoga instructor…i wanted to be a mathematician…have babies…stay at home and watch soap operas…ha!!! i gave up my dreams of math when i entered middle school and discovered boys:) soap operas…30 years ago ( has anything even really happened since then ;)…yoga hit me like a ton of bricks and i haven’t looked back…but, this MS nonsense stopped me dead in my tracks…and said… girl, it’s time to take a long hard fucking look at your life… if i wanted to be healthy, i had no choice…obviously you all know i’m kicking ass…it has been 3 crazy years of figuring all of this out without meds…without the support of those i thought were closest to me…trial and error with everything i ingested and did and listening to my body harder than i ever had…i live with this every single fucking day…my fatigue is not the same as yours because you had a long day or did too much…believe me…i wish i was just like all of you…but, i’m not…on the outside i look fucking fantastic…better than i’ve ever looked…my body is stronger than it has ever been…but…yes…it’s a big fat but…(actually that looks better than ever too lolol) what it takes for me to maintain this badassery is so far from easy…every morning…as you don’t get to take a day off when you have a chronic illness…you don’t get to lay in bed…my brain talks to my legs…takes about 20 – 30 minutes and i’m up…and i’m not sitting down for the next 13 hours…it is just how i have to roll…i have to keep moving to keep moving…if i sit…i stop…laying is hard… sitting is hard…i’m afraid i’ll never be able to get back up…flying is challenging…however, i am always up for a challenge…and being handed this crazy ass gift 3 years ago…has been the greatest blessing and challenge in my life…none of it is easy…none of it…i deal with shit every single day…numbness. tingling. twitching. double vision. nausea…the fucking nausea…157 times a day…it’s like contractions…I ride the wave and I never hurl…you’re welcome:) muscle spasms…hearing loss…ringing in the ears…chronic pain in my left arm…things go flying out of my hands all the fucking time…my phone has extra protection:) my memory is just horrid and no…it’s not the same memory loss a normal person may experience…i stopped dreaming…multitasking is never happening again…and i literally can’t remember shit…and you can’t fucking see any of this in me…it’s all invisible…so, i walk around, i run, i teach, i try and educate and raise money and like everyone says i look great…but, this is an invisible chronic bully that no one can see…there are so many people that don’t understand what that is and can’t even begin to fathom the nerve damage in my brain and spinal cord…they only go by what my social media depicts…and that frustrates me to be honest…I still believe fb is the devil:) you know what it depicts… inspiration and hope for the 2.5 million people who fight this asshole too…i’m going to fight every day for the rest of my life…and it is a fight…every fucking day…for me… for the ones i love…the ones that love me…my warrior family…and for all the people that live with chronic painful bullshit…i am a real feeling fighting warrior being that is so much more than some handstand pics…i want a cure…although it has been a gift in so many ways…it is still a progressive debilitating condition that no one has figured out how to stop yet.
i won’t live in fear…but, this is my reality.
either you’re in
or in my way
f u m s
peace love cure
namaste

ps. i am trying to tell everyone that will listen. time is precious. every moment. every second. we are here for so little of time. don’t wait. for the shit to hit your fan. it most likely will. so live your best life. take the best care of your mind and body that you can. listen so fucking hard to those two things. they are your greatest teachers. and just be fucking kind. oh yeah. one more thing. please fucking stop at stop signs and let the ambulances pass…it could be coming for you or someone you love. don’t be an ass.

ok i’m done:)