doctor doctor give me the news…
how i have found myself here again is beyond me? i thought when i quit smoking 15 years ago cold turkey after a 23 year habit i lessened my chances of hearing the word cancer… i knew it wasn’t an impossibility and to be honest i have one of the “easiest cancers to treat” go me! at a routine skin check two weeks ago dr. lacks manners 🙂 came at my face with a scalpel without having me sign a consent first. i would’ve consented… but it all happened so fast and when you have MS it fucks with your brain in all sorts of ways. i heard cancer followed up by “oh you won’t die from this” and bam… i lost touch with the conversation… walked out of his office with a divot in my nose and no idea what so fucking ever how to care for the wound he just inflicted on my face. my face doesn’t suck. my father always told me i was beautiful. i believed him…only him…lolol
basal cell carcinoma…fuck isn’t the ms enough?? please be nothing. i wear sunscreen all over myself every fucking day. i run in this scorching heat in white long sleeves and cover my legs in sunscreen… i do not worship the sun. i do love it. i find it meditative… i lead events honoring the sun four times a year… however what i need it for most is to keep my vitamin D levels up (helps with the symptoms kids) and my D is high… so now the thing that keeps me healthy and strong and a warrior kicking the fuck out of my symptoms is being taken away from me.
i got the call from the nurse last week telling me it was indeed basal cell and started throwing words around like skin grafts and flaps and surgery and numbing. no one with ms likes to get numbed. we are numb enough… i just really wanted to know how to care for the wound on my face. she made me an appointment with the surgeon to discuss “Mohs surgery” and removing the cancer from my face. HOWEVER because i am me and clearly whoever it is that thinks i can handle all they keep dishing out keeps dishing it out… I can and I will handle it as i’ve done with everything that has been tossed my way… but they need to know i’m good now. i’ve learned LOTS of lessons and do not need any more…promise
here’s the problem… they don’t know how deep it will go… and it’s on the side of my nostril… not a whole lot of depth to work with. nose ring…hmmm. i have no piercings and no tattoos. should i start now? i met with Dr. Surgeon number one today and he talked about my options. there are options. he lost me at radiation. no thank you. oncologist? i can’t even mentally process that. oh and i have not googled Mohs or basal cell… i’m going to continue the ignorance trend. he even said “anywhere else on your body it’s a fairly easy procedure because you cut and sew.” he can’t take a chunk out of my nose and sew. it will deform my nose. what’s next doc? skin graft. skin flap. wtf why? i asked about a plastic surgeon he said absolutely. but threw in there i would have to pay out of pocket…really doc? ok…here’s my fucking credit card. it’s my goddamn face. the center of my face. cancer on my face. what is money good for if you are not healthy????? take all my money. please.
i asked what my restrictions would be. no running. no hot yoga. no hanging upside down. no sweating. for at least a week depending on the size/shape/depth of this fucking thing on my face that I NEVER even noticed. i have lots of spots and things on my body… i used to have the most perfect skin… flawless really… now i have sun spots and scars from falling running… things that show you live. i had a facial a month ago… i look at myself close up in the mirror. i saw nothing. i guess i should thank Dr. Lacks Manners for finding something that has maybe been there since my first sunburn. or from driving in this obliterating sun for so many years. it’s on the left side… looks like maybe my sunglasses could’ve been a magnifying glass for this tiny thing that needs to be removed. in some way. soon. radiation is a hard no.
what bothers me more than anything really is the fact that my body can produce cancer. that scares the fucking fuck out of me. again back to the beginning. i smoked for 23 years… i quit 15 years ago and have not touched a cigarette since… i have faith that this will all turn out fine although a bit challenging and expensive. i consider my wellness money well spent. and i am super grateful for the people that have helped talk me down. let me cry. help my broken brain process this and all it means for someone whose immune system is a cluster fuck. resting is great. but i don’t rest. i don’t stop. i can’t stop. i keep going. i am so grateful to my firstborn. my son who has joined me on all my appointments and will take care of me the day of as he is the only one here right now. my ex husband has been great as well. checking in and making sure i’m ok. my daughter is my long distance cheerleader while dealing with a huge life change a LOT of work and studying… it’s been months since i’ve seen her and i cannot wait for Christmas…
Dan Nahom. i know you are not old enough to be my father. let’s just call you the uncle i never had. you have been my yoga student. my friend. my inspiration. my biggest fundraising supporter and by that I mean you have donated the most money to my race to erase ms over the last five years… more than anyone. now you are making sure i am okay. grateful doesn’t say enough. i will not be writing about this on social media again. i am still a warrior badass kicking the fuck out of a chronic bully. i can’t cut that out or remove it with a scalpel or put a skin flap over it. i wish i could. we all do. if you know me…you’ll know what’s up.
heading to California tomorrow to begin my search for a new home…