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miss understood

at the end of every year i usually share my intentions for the new year on social media…i have been doing this for a while as i always talk about setting intentions versus making resolutions…resolutions break…you cannot break an intention. a resolution is a desire to achieve a certain goal by a certain time…an intention is unbreakable as it is really just the things that you need want and desire in your life. example…resolution. “i will lose twenty pounds by april” intention…”I will spend more time on getting healthy” resolutions break….as they are finite. intentions don’t because they are continuous. with all of this being said for the first time in a very long time i am setting massive boundaries and intentions and looking forward to a new year more than i ever have before. i have been stuck in the ultimate rut for two and a half years every fucking day. i am leaving my trash behind me….as i deserve so fucking much more….

i am broken….again:/ i wasn’t broken anymore…until i was raped…i had actually done all sorts of work to heal my childhood and generational trauma and then a fucking white little jewish twat from the north shore of chicago upended my world. and the onslaught of ignorance and pain that ensued after i was physically and emotionally demolished leveled me once again…i have been left to handle not only my insane chronic illness but an assault on my nervous system that continued for over two years. i am not interested in rehashing what that cock builder did to me…but these two pieces of shit should be in jail. at least the rapist….the builder should not be allowed to build homes….ever again. mine was his first grade project:) fuck you birddog…and fuck you jaysun weasel dick – ooh i mentioned your name, you gonna come after me….i fucking dare you. after everything your senseless act of sexual violence has done to me and taken from me, i fucking dare you…and if you still talk to him please don’t ever contact me again…ever. and shame on you truly…he belongs in jail…and if i had the support i needed to withstand a trial and put him behind bars i would have…you have no idea how hard it is on me here in LA knowing i could bump into him at any moment…

writing stops the chatter the vrtti…the verbal diarrhea and there is so much up there. i have been abandoned by my family (none of this includes my children)…not sure why other than i happened to like my brother’s girlfriend and his wife got mad at ME??? oh and then there’s the insanity that persists to this day from my extremely narcissistic mother…you know what showed up in the mail today…every single card i have ever given her, mother’s day, birthday’s, who does that? …oh i know she was trying to say, “look how much you loved me, i must’ve not been that bad.” but what i realized after calming down, is those cards say more about who i was as a daughter vs who she was as a mom…a neglectful…disgusting excuse for a human….that no doubt caused my chronic illness

what i really need to do here is empty the contents of my mind onto this blog. i NEED to feel better…i NEED people that love and support me and help me and ask me how i am doing or if i need assistance or anything else for that matter…my family has not asked about my health in probably seven years. i have been sick for nine. so what i NEED right now is to vent…as my health is at an extreme impasse and if things don’t change…well, i don’t even want to go there….

after i was assaulted i realized that my “friends” mostly my girlfriends that i’ve had since college had absolutely zero idea of what i have been through…as they truly never ask…tbh i have always felt like they think i lived in a box until they reached out to pull me out to play…i have had to stop talking to the, as i call them, “trauma dingers” the ones that continue to peel the scabs off the wounds they know i have. i left the town i grew up in when i was 18. i left the city i was born in when i was 25. i have lived in the az desert for almost 33 years. my entire adult life. no family. no help. single mom shit. and a bunch of friends (female) that only really knew me in college and the brief time i lived in the city, when i was young, wild and free…

the “trauma dingers” always go straight for the jugular…one used to start our conversations with “what’s wrong” so I’d feel safe enough to open up…her other line would ring, she’d tell me she’d call me back and never did, so i would reach out again and the cycle would continue…g-d i’m slow…it wasn’t until she took me out for my birthday once she moved to the desert and criticized everything from my hair to my nails and then spent the last five minutes of our time literally crying and begging to call my ex husband, to go see my ex…over and over…are you five? that i had to walk away for my peace…and if you ask her why we don’t speak i promise she has no idea…to the friend that said “so you done drinking?” after i was assaulted…no you extremely insensitive bitch, i haven’t – but you did, as you told me you had a drinking problem…and who told you anyway, bc it wasn’t me…oh it was the friend that every time she sees me asks “how’s your mom?” this is what i mean by trauma dinging…i don’t fucking know but how is that lawsuit going that your husband was involved in years ago…can you imagine me asking her that every single fucking time i saw her….not to mention last year when they all came to town and i politely declined joining them out…and i promise i was gossip at the table that night…not only did they incessantly text my ex (who is sober AND married) to come meet them out…that hurt all of us…me. him. his wife…even my children were confused as to why they would do this…they clearly just have no respect for me or my family…or the friend that has consistently blown me off for close to five years, throws cliches and excuses at me ALL THE FUCKING TIME…tells me i’m like family…well that explains it then lolol…i sure missed that hint smh:/ or the one that can never ask me anything…she will text me hi…like she’s five too…she calls…talks at me…is late every single time we have made plans and never asks me a single question, just gossips about people i do not know or care about knowing…i mean wtf and why did you leave your son before he graduated high school…coming from deep rooted mother trauma…you trigger me, and my mom never actually left me…oh and my best friend who stopped talking to me because i stopped talking to my mom…i think she is friends with my rapist…i just threw up in my mouth

i am in so much pain right now…i can barely feel…i spent thanksgiving alone…well almost…fortunately i had a couple friends invite me over and i stopped by one of their homes just for a little while…my daughter is traveling which she should be doing…and my son was with me the last two years so he went to his dads, which he should…but do you have any idea how painful that can be? probably not, because you’re too busy posting your bullshit on social media and never ever looking at yourself….then there’s the voyeurs, so many goddamn voyeurs from my past, that watch everything i do yet never reach out…I am doing all i can to stay upright, and tbh…i’m having a hard time…not only emotionally, but physically too and that is not okay…as i desperately need to be okay physically and mentally

i do want to take a moment here and say something about all the ‘men’ i do have in my life…i gotta say most of the guy friends i made in my younger years and in college and along the way in my life have stepped up in ways my female friends failed miserably in doing…they don’t say stupid shit to me…they ask how i am…like they actually reach out and check in…and most, if not all, have not said the horrific things my “girlfriends” have said to me….mostly they just say i’m sorry and what can i do…tell me they are there for me and i can handle hard things…because i have all of you…i am so grateful for you guys and i know you know who you are

i guess this is my plea to those that think they know me or want to interact with me or used to be my friends or even family. if you wanted to hurt me. you have. and you keep hurting me and i really don’t understand why? all i have ever been is kind, authentic, sassy, and honest. i do not hurt people…certainly never intentionally…i would never ever ever ask someone how their rapist or narcissistic parent is over and over and over…or blow someone off repeatedly for years…with just such bullshit lame excuses. i have two amazing children and i know what it’s like to be a mother…so my mother can fuck the fuck off…i have seen her once – ONCE since my diagnosis in the street in chicago for five minutes and only because my daughter and i met in chicago and my daughter went out to dinner with her. otherwise, she’s been here ONCE in the last 15 years to see her grandchildren…and she has others that she sees…as can the “friends” that say…but, she’s your mother….but I AM HER FUCKING DAUGHTER. this comes out of the mouths of the trauma dingers…you know the ones that spend their days playing pickleball and having lunch and drinks all the fucking time. first of all, i may get some hate for this but that’s not a sport:) 

secondly, i have realized that there are definitely more stupid ignorant fucks out there than aware spiritual emotionally intelligent people…or at least there were in my world…

not any fucking more…i am leaving the hurtful, ignorant, stupid people back in 2025:) yes i am in pain…do you think it’s funny? do you think i deserved it? well…i didn’t…nor did i deserve to bring with me all the fucking hurtful idiots that i now have to discard….i have leeches…literal leeches…they will stalk me from afar, ask others how i am but never me…are you afraid of me? you should be:) i have spent my entire life trying to feel loved, worthy, and deserving, and i know that i am, but then i got handed a big pile of PTSD which has impacted me in such a way that i am now living with paralytic brain fog once again…i cannot keep my weight up no matter what i eat, and i am slowly deteriorating mentally….physically i do keep going but that is starting to be affected.

i am sick. i hate having to say that. but I am…it’s been about 3400 days that i have been sick. every single goddamn one of those days, in a row, every goddamn day…and because i spent my life picking the wrong people – twats and pussies (sorry, i had to:) bc i had a mother who had no interest in being one in any way shape or form, i have made some huge mistakes, with men, with friends…allowing people in my life that truly are pieces of ignorant harmful shit and don’t care if they hurt me….or just leave me hanging…ms is isolating as it is, and i have never felt so alone in my life…..

moving forward…which is what i really really want to do. i decided I needed to write…i haven’t written in a very long time and it is truly the only way i can clear my head as there are next to no people that understand my situation…chronic illness with a dab of assault and a brutal house buying experience that didn’t allow me the opportunity to heal for over two years…he’s as bad or worse than my rapist…as he only fucked me once…birddog fucked me continuously for two years…how would anyone in MY situation be able to step out of this fire with absolutely next to no support. 

sometimes…especially lately, i wonder why i am still here…what’s the purpose…what’s the reason…i don’t have an answer…and my desire to keep going is waning…i know there are people out there that i inspire…that i resonate with…that i keep going…i know this…they reach out to me…but when your closest world of family and friends makes you the scapegoat, makes you the odd man out for absolutely no fucking reason other than i chose to heal…i chose to be a better person…i chose to grow…i know a LOT about trauma as i dig deep into mine and engage with those that say the things we survivors need to hear…

i do have people…i have the swans…and a smattering of people i trust…but not many, and not enough…I have spent my entire life caring for and healing and helping others…from teaching preschool…to kids in group homes…to daycare…to private therapeutic high schools…to self contained classrooms…to rooms and grounds and rooftops filled with yogis…this is who i am, it is what i do…and i love it…

and ironically the little town i ran away from had less to do with the people i grew up with and everything to do with getting as far away from my mother as i could…reconnecting with several since i moved to santa monica and now helping to plan our 40th reunion (yes I’m old af:) i realize that the kids i grew up with have been nicer and kinder and more supportive of me than i knew…i am truly grateful for them…as i guess they knew my family the best. and i realize now they must’ve known i had a shitty mom too….looking back…anyway…

this pain needs to dissipate…it needs to go away…i have spent the last 2.5 years in a foggy insane limbo that everyone i thought i knew clearly wants to keep me in…so what is one to do? 

take out the trash…
and never look back

here’s to leaving 2023. 2024. and 2025 in the past

2026 show me what you got

i am ready for it…

live
love
laugh (a lot)
cry – it heals me
sing
dance
travel
play
kiss 
run
rock
stretch 
breathe
be

sincerely.
miss. understood

namaste
julie blew